Conflict...Maybe we should embrace it

Many years ago, in the earlier days of my job at SmarterTools, I was still getting my feet wet when it came to our partnerships. I would communicate with the potential partners, then discuss them with my manager to decide if they should be accepted into the program or not. One particular potential partner (excuse the alliteration) became upset with a question my manager had me ask him. The PP (potential partner) came back at me in the email in an aggressive way. I don’t remember the particulars of the conversation, but my manager had me respond letting the PP know that we are glad they responded the way they did, as this helped us to determine what the best option for them would be. For years I wondered why it was a good thing we upset him and that he responded how he did. While it’s not a good thing to upset someone, and I wouldn’t do it intentionally, the conflict itself was. I know what you’re thinking, “how is conflict a good thing?” While doing my undergrad, in Marriage and Family Studies, I took a Conflict Management class. The one thing that stands out the most to me from that class is that conflict can be a good thing, and for many reasons.   During my conflict class we had an assignment to ask our friends and family for a metaphor for conflict. Before my class my metaphor would have been something with a negative connotation. But when my sister took the same class a couple years later and had the same assignment I said “conflict is like a sour patch kid, it’s sweet and sour”. I, like many others, don’t like conflict. I still try to avoid it sometimes (I’m a work in progress). But if you really think about it, what does conflict do? Yes, it can cause contention, it can start a fight, you can lose relationships over it. But those are not the only things conflict can do. Conflict can help clear the air and ease contention, bring misunderstandings to light, or bring clarity to the root of a problem. In the case of the PP it helped us to understand what he really wanted.   Psychologist Sherrie Campbell wrote an article called The 10 Benefits of Conflict. In it she writes about what conflict can do for you. Conflict gives you the opportunity to listen to one another and hash out any underlying issues that were never addressed, understand and learn about someone else's perspective, learn how others think, open you up to new ideas, give you an opportunity to see where changes need to be made (in yourself or in your relationship), and many other benefits of conflict. Take a look at Sherrie’s article to learn more. Can you think of a time you benefited from conflict? Share your experience below.

Lessons I've Learned as a Parent - Part 2

Forty-two years and counting

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to get married and have children, a lot of children. I thought it would be so much fun.

After 10 ½ months of marriage, I had my first baby.

The first thing I learned after having my baby was that my life was no longer my own.

I couldn’t sleep when I wanted to.

I couldn’t eat when I wanted to.

I couldn’t sit and watch a full T.V. show without interruption.

I couldn’t sit down and sew that new dress I wanted.

Everything I did had to be done between feeding the baby, changing the baby’s diaper, and taking care of any other things the baby needed.

I learned to get by on less sleep.

I learned to eat my dinner cold.

I learned that watching T.V. was not important.

I learned to allow myself more time to make that dress, and if I didn’t finish it in time, I could wear something else.

I learned to buy more food than I thought I would need for the next month because I couldn’t always go shopping when I planned to.

When more children came along, I learned to be a peace maker and settle fights among the kids.

I learned when to let them settle their own fights.

I learned what not to let a child eat when they had an upset stomach.

I learned that when my eighth child was sick and vomiting, it would take her a lot longer to recover than the other kids.

I learned that when my tenth child had a fever of 105, that he had an ear infection. I also learned to tell the doctor to start him on the third choice of medication because I knew the first two medications wouldn’t work and I wanted to save us two more trips back to the doctor.

I learned that each of my kids were different. What worked for one child did not always work for another child.

I learned that no matter how much the kids would fight with each other, they loved their brothers and sisters and would stand up for each other if they needed to.

I learned that once you are a parent, you are always a parent.

Now, all my kids are grown and moved out. They still call me for help with things.

They’ll call me to ask what temperature to put the oven on for baked potatoes.

They’ll call me to ask me how long it takes for rice to cook.

They’ll call me if they are driving home from work and it’s late and they need someone to keep them awake while they drive home.

They’ll call me when they just need to vent about something. They’ll call me just to see how I’m doing.

I learned that I must have done something right while raising my children, because they know I love them and they can call me day or night and I’ll be there for them.

The most important lessons.

Of all the things I’ve learned as a parent, there are two things that are the most important to me.

One, I love my children no matter what they say or do.

Two, it is the most rewarding job I could ever want and I wouldn’t change anything.

By Barbara Ward 

Lessons I Learned as a Parent - Part 1

The next few posts are provided by guest contributors. I asked my friends and family, who have children, to share a few insights into what they have learned as a parent. This first post is contributed by my sister, Wendy Johnson.

Parenting is hard. We’ve all heard that before but what does it really mean?

I’m not a child psychologist by profession. I’m not a teacher by profession. Neither am I a doctor, lawyer, or daycare provider by profession.

What does that have to do with being a parent? I am all of those on any given day. Sometimes it changes from minute to minute. As a parent, I’ve had to learn a lot and really fast.

What’s my parenting style? I can’t really say because it varies from child to child. I have one child that rarely needs help with things. I have another child who always needs help with things. I have yet another child who needs help but doesn’t want it. With six children, there’s bound to be variety, right?

The answer to that question leads right into the most important lesson I’ve learned as a parent: Nothing is ever the same. The only reliable constant is that nothing is reliable or constant.

Just as children change from day-to-day, so does my parenting style. Just as children grow and learn, so does their need for help from me. Just as I learn and grow, so changes my parenting style and my sanity.

Oh yeah, there is one more constant. As they grow and learn, my love for them also grows. (See, even that isn’t constant, it’s ever-changing.) I wouldn’t trade my children for anything in the world. - Wendy J. Johnson

Finances and Children

Often times my sisters and I will talk about things my parents did to raise us. We sometimes compare their actions to the stories we hear from others. And then we realize, our parents may have been flawed, but they did a pretty amazing job raising intelligent independent adults. There is one thing, however, that I often wish my parents had taught us when we were young...FINANCES. Many parents may not think of this as an important part of raising their children. However, if you want your children to be successful in life, this really is a major thing they should be taught. You can begin by sitting down and discussing the family finances with your children. Show them your expenses versus your income and how much you have left after subtracting your expenses. There's one diary entry I remember from when I was in elementary school. I was angry with my mom because my birthday had to be postponed. I wrote that it was postponed because she had to by bread and other groceries. As a child I did not understand the concept of money and how paying bills and other expenses made you not have money (or leave you with very little of it). I was angry and hurt, and felt unloved. Perhaps if my parents had explained to me, had shown me the budget they had to work with I may have been more understanding (or not, who really knows). Then as I got older and got my first job at 16 I found I was spending all my money but had nothing to really show for it. Sure I had a savings account, then eventually a checking account, but there was never really anything saved in it. As I moved into adulthood my spending habits did not change much, I just had to make sure I had enough money for more expenses. Then I got a little older and got my first credit card at age 24. Then I found out I had really good credit and had "money" thrown at me. Now, I did know how credit cards worked and that I'd have to pay any money back but that didn't stop me from spending. I made a bad choice when getting my next car and ended up getting it for almost $7k more than the sticker price. Finally, at age 28 I lost my job and struggled to find a full time job for almost 6 months. My mom had to pay my car registration and one of my car payments. I ended up so far into debt there was just no way out. After much prayer and consideration I felt my way out was Bankruptcy. So at the age of 29 I had to file bankruptcy. Since then I have struggled to shed my old habits of spending and be more responsible with my money. For the most part I have been successful. So now thinking back on my experience and having to learn the hard way here is some advice for parents:

Teach your children the difference between wants and needs. Teach them that you a need must be fulfilled, but a want can wait. A want does not need instant gratification the way a need does. You can save up for those wants. In fact think over the want long and hard. If after a few weeks or months it is still a want, and you have saved for it, fulfill that want. For example, I wanted a VR headset, the games were fun and it was pretty good exercise. The headset cost about $800. Even though I could have easily saved the money and made this purchase I decided to wait a few months. After 3 or so months I still felt I wanted one but I didn't really WANT one. In other words, to me it was no longer worth spending $800 to purchase. Another example, I wanted an xBox 360. I loved the games on it and really liked playing the Kinect. So I saved my money for a few months and when I was done saving I decided that I still really WANTED the xBox, so I purchased it. The xBox was not a huge expense because by the time I made my purchase, it was not a new thing.

Teach your children about your family's financial situation. I'm not saying that if you have a million bucks in the bank show it to your kids. What I'm saying is show them the expenses that need fulfilled with your paychecks each month. Show them the numbers on paper. Then show them the income you have to pay those expenses. If your family is struggling and your children see this they may want to help the family cut costs or come up with ways to earn extra money. If you are not struggling financially you can help your children to understand WHY you are not struggling. Take the opportunity to teach your children how to create a budget and stick to it. Help your children to create their own budget. Even if their only expenses are to fulfill their wants, help them to understand that the new toy they want is something they should save up for. These are skills that, if learned early, will greatly benefit your children when they become adults.

Teach your children how to save. When we were little we would get Christmas checks from both sets of grandparents, then for our birthday we would get another check from my mom's parents. Since my birthday was right after Christmas I usually had more money than my siblings. So a week or two after Christmas my parents would take us to the store to spend that money we had received. I still remember the cool Barbie swimming pool I bought and set up. I did enjoy that Barbie pool (I put it on a towel in my room and filled it with water that night so my Barbies could go swimming before bed). In fact I'm sure I enjoyed all the toys I purchased with my Christmas/birthday money. However, looking back, it would have been more beneficial to me and all my siblings if my parents had taught us how to save that money. I received those checks for years, even if I still spent half the money on toys, I would have gone into my teens with a savings account already set up. So teach your children to save. Save that babysitting money, save that birthday and Christmas money, save that allowance. This goes back to teaching your kids to budget. When you help them create a budget include putting money in a savings account and an amount to be donated.

Teach your kids what a savings account is for. The savings account is not intended to be used as your overdraft account when you've spent all your checking. Your savings account is for...you guessed it, SAVING. This is something I still struggle with sometimes. Although, lately I've been saving money up then I use it to pay off some debt, like my credit card. Teach your children that when they put money in their savings account it's meant to stay there for a long period of time.

Teach your children to set financial goals. If you don’t have a reason to save your money, you are less likely to do it. Help your children set a financial goal. Older children may want to save up to buy their own car. Your younger children may want a certain toy or video game. Help them figure out how much they will need to save and what they can do to meet their financial goal as fast as possible. Don’t have them set just one goal, they need a short-term, mid-term, and long-term goal. A short term goal can be the toy your child wants to buy, a mid-term goal can be the car your teenager needs to save for. A long-term goal can be saving for college, saving to move out, saving to take a trip with friends. As they get closer to meeting their goals, help them set new ones.

If you, as the parent, have trouble with these things yourself you may find that teaching your children helps you as well. Set your own goals, create your own budget, save your own money, lead your children by example.

Cutting the Apron Strings

I think my parents did a pretty good job with separating from their married children.  We are a tight knit family.  We grew up in the military so we spent a lot of time together.  With 10 kids running around, my parents could hardly wait to be alone again.  Unfortunately, my dad passed away before this could happen.  And yet, my mom still can't wait to be child free, to support and love us all from afar.

When my oldest sister got married we were worried about the holidays, but my sister and her husband came up with a compromise that has seemed to work out for all the married siblings later on.  My brother-in-law's family has Thanksgiving together every other year, so on the off years they came to our family.  My other older sister got married and her husband's family did the same thing and the off years happened to fall on the same years.  For Christmas they usually did all the family stuff with in-laws in the morning and my family would have a dinner and open gifts in the evening.  As our family has grown we've had to make adjustments and compromises.  We started doing a family Christmas party a few nights before Christmas so all the married siblings can spend time on Christmas with their own kids and spouses.  

Even though my family does spend a lot of time together I think those who are married have done a good job "leaving their mother and father."  In chapter 37 from "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families" the authors say, "Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present."  Even though my family does a lot together, including a monthly family dinner and a yearly campout.  Our mom also understands that we each have our own lives and may need to miss out on a family event.  She understands that we must each make our own decisions, and she is there to support us in our decisions.  I think with how close knit my siblings and I are, we have found a pretty good balance in spending time with the family we grew up with and the family each sibling has/is creating.

Overall, I think my parents did well following along with the things which Harper and Olsen-Frost taught, it's time to cut the apron strings and cleave unto your wife/husband.

Equality in Partnerships

Reflecting back on how my parents raised us I can certainly see their equal partnership, from making decisions to dividing the work around the house, to taking care of us kids.  My parents accepted the influence of one another and worked together to raise us kids.

In Dr. Richard B Miller's paper, "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," he talks a little about parents being united in their leadership and being equal partners in their marriage, these two go hand in hand.  I saw a lot of this with my parents growing up.  

Most of the time if you asked dad first he'd say, "what did your mom say?" And if you asked mom first she would see "What did your dad say?"  The would also direct us to ask the other parent if they did not want to give a clear answer.  They supported each other in a decision, so if we didn't like what one said and tried to ask the other they would support the original answer.  We did find a way around this some of the time though.  As we got older us kids discovered that dad was most likely to say yes, so we would ask him first.  That way when he asked what mom said and we told him we hadn't asked her yet he would either say yes or tell us to ask her.  When our parents would send us to ask the other it was more likely to be a yes as well.  Although us older kids learned to manipulate the situation I can never recall a time my parents went against each other in a decision.  If they did, they likely discussed it privately and came to a joint decision.  Their joint decision making was just one example of a partnership in marriage.

Dr. Miller quotes Dr. Ross Eshleman saying, "Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and

relationship satisfaction."    

My parents have been such a great example to me of what an eternal companionship should be like.  They loved each other and each of their children.  They had their ups and downs with each other and us kids, but in the end they still respected one another, made decisions together, and showed us kids how to be an equal partner with your spouse.

Teach Them to Wait

I'm sometimes astounded at the amount of couples who know next to nothing about having a sexual relationship with their spouse when they go into marriage.  As I've heard it put many times we are taught, "no, no, no" then suddenly it's "go, go, go."   Many are taught that sex is bad and wrong, and then are expected to engage in at once they are married.  In the talk, “They Twain Shall Be One:  Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage” by Brent Barlow (former professor of marriage, family and human development at Brigham Young University), he says, " Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy."

I was lucky enough to be taught by my parents, and siblings, that sex is a part of marriage.  My siblings and I were taught that a sexual relationship before marriage is wrong, but after marriage it is an important part of your relationship.  I was also lucky enough to have older siblings whom I have been able to learn from over the years.  I have learned that there are many important aspects of marriage that need to be nurtured.  Having your spouse as you friend and confidant, nurturing the trust between the two of you, having an emotional and physical relationship are all important in maintaining a strong marriage.

President Spencer W. Kimball (President of the LDS church in 1973 until his death in 1985) taught us that the physical attraction between husband and wife is for two reasons, "for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply"

I feel it is important that children are taught about sexual relationships properly.  To merely teach your children that it is bad is not enough.  Yes, they should be taught about chastity.  But when teaching your children this, make sure they understand when a sexual relationship is appropriate and why. Instead of teaching them "no, no, no" and "go, go, go," teach them "wait, wait, wait."