Being Friends

Dr. John Gottman is a research scientist on marriage and family, he is also the author of the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

There were a few things I found very interesting about Dr. Gottman’s book.  I’ve heard him speak and read some of his work before in some of my communications classes.  But I’ve never heard that communication, or conflict resolution, is not necessarily the key to a successful marriage.  In fact, he says that most conflicts will not get resolved.  

In conflict there are the what is called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  These include 1.) Criticism, 2.) Contempt, 3.) Defensiveness, and 4.) Stonewalling.  These can be one aspect of predicting divorce, but Dr. Gottman also said that Four Horsemen do not have to end a marriage.  If a couple are able to accomplish what he calls a repair attempt.  This is something a couple will do to alleviate the tension when in an argument or heated discussion.  It can include making a silly face or repeat an inside joke, something that will make the couple laugh or smile.  It makes sense that if a couple can have a successful repair attempt they can recover from the damages done by one or all of the horsemen.  

Dr. Gottman indicates that a big part of a successful marriage is your friendship with one another and whether you have a negative or positive view on your relationship (past and present).  I talked to my mom about her relationship with my dad and what made their relationship successful.  She said they talked about things, they had a good relationship and friendship.  She also realized that when my dad was upset she would be calm and when she was upset he would be the calm one.  What stands out here is that they had a good relationship and friendship with one another.

I’ve really come to enjoy Dr. Gottman’s research and findings, and I’m really looking forward to reading more about his work.

Belonging

In a talk called Covenant Marriage, by Elder Bruce C. Hafen, he speaks of marriage being tested by three “wolves.”  These three wolves are natural adversity, the wolf of your own imperfections, and excessive individualism.  I’m going to focus on the third wolf, excessive individualism.

Excessive individualism seems to be the most detrimental to our society.  When people become too focused on themselves and trying to be separate from their spouse it can cause issues in the family unit.  I once had a friend who had gotten divorced and when I asked him why, he said he and his wife decided they didn’t want to belong to each other.  The way he worded it made “belonging” sound like ownership rather than belonging in the sense of a family.  People are afraid of the idea that they belong to someone, but when viewed in the right light, this can actually be a good thing.  For instance, we each belong to a family.  This means we belong to our parents and they belong to us, we belong to our siblings and they belong to us.  If you are married, then you and your spouse belong to one another.  We say things like, “my mom,” “my dad,” “my brother,” “my sister.”  If we don’t belong to one another why would we use the possessive term “my?”

This does not mean you own your family members or they own you in the sense that you own a car. On the web site Psychology Today there is an article called “Why We All Need to Belong to Someone.”  The article starts out with two different definitions of belonging.  First, is belonging in a possessive sense, ownership.  The second, “acceptance as a natural part” is more fitting in the sense of family belonging.  In a family you are accepted as part of the family, when you and your spouse belong to one another you are accepting each other as a natural part of your partnership.  We must also keep in mind that just because we “belong” does not mean that you are not an individual, that you are not your own person.  It is important to find that balance of belonging to someone and being you.  By maintaining your own hobbies and interests while still engaging in activities with your family or spouse you can continue to belong to your family and still be an individual.

Marriage and Law

In June 2015 The Supreme Court ruled to legalize same sex marriage.  Have you ever had to read court ruling document?  It’s not easy at all, however, it was interesting.  The document contained not only the ruling, and the reasoning behind the ruling, but also statements from the Justices who dissented as well. 

Both the ruling and Justice Roberts’ dissent provide their own view of what marriage is meant for.  In the ruling document they state that the Supreme judicial court of Massachusetts explained, that marriage “fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.”

In opposition of that Justice Roberts argues that marriage “arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditioned of a lifelong relationship.” 

In a speech given by Elder Russell M Nelson says, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.”

If you compare how the court ruling and Justice Roberts both define what marriage for to what Elder Nelson says you can see that Justice Roberts is more in line with what we are taught in the gospel.

That being said, I believe Justice Roberts may not have necessarily disagreed with the ruling because he is opposed to same sex marriage.  I believe he disagreed with it because the court was making a law instead of upholding the law.  At beginning of Justice Roberts dissent he states, “judges have power to say what the law is, not what it should be.  The people who ratified the Constitution authorized courts to exercise ‘neither force nor will but merely judgment.’” 

However, with their court ruling they are overriding the existing law and saying that the law is different from what the people voted for.  Therefore, the judges are saying what the law should be.

You can read more about the ruling here, http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf.

Breaking the Cycle

I recently read a talk by Carlfred Broderick, professor of sociology, University of Southern California, called Questions and Answers.  In 1987 Brother Broderick talked about children breaking the chain of abuse they endured at their parents’ hands.  I’ve read many articles about criminals who were abused by their parents, who then turned around and passed that abuse on to their children.  I always wondered how this cycle stopped.  What made one child turn into an abuser like their parents, but another child ended up opposite that? 

I think there are two things that come into play with this.  First is the gift of choice.  We all have the opportunity to make our own choices.  You can choose to be like your parents or choose not to be like your parents.  If you come from an alcoholic family, you can choose if you want to risk being an alcoholic as well.  The second thing that comes into play is God.  As Brother Broderick puts it, “through the grace of God some find the strength to ‘purge’ the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations.”  Brother Broderick also talks about how God puts people in our lives to help us overcome the things of our past. 

I really liked how he says of those who do break the cycle.  “In suffering innocently that others might not suffer, such persons, in some degree, become as ‘saviors on Mount Zion’ by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.”

I have friends close to me who have suffered from abuse, not just by parents, but by others in their lives as well.  Instead of turning around and placing that same abuse on their own children, they stopped the cycle.  They try their hardest to provide a loving, safe home for their own children.  They are “saviors on Mount Zion.”