Actions Can Speak Louder Than Words

In Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman talks about partners turning toward one another, this is the third principle he teaches about.  

I really enjoyed what Gottman had to say about turning toward each other.  He gave quite a few examples that shows it’s the small gestures, the small moments that help to strengthen a relationship.  His description of turning toward one another as “a snowball rolling down a hill” seems pretty accurate to me.  I’ve seen this in my own relationships with my family.  The things Gottman teaches can be applied to all relationships in our lives, spouses, siblings, parents, friends, and co-workers.  The other night one of my nephews told me he’d had a rough day (he’s only 7), so I sat on the stairs with him and asked him about it.  I then showed him how to send me or his dad a text from an iPad while we are at work.  I told him if he’s having a rough day he can text someone.  I think knowing that he can contact me on his own helped him to feel a little happier before going to bed.  On the other hand, if I ask my nephew to play a game with me whenever I’m at his house he jumps at the chance, thus spending time me, making me feel loved by him, turning toward me.  

My parents, without knowing it, have set a good example of turning toward others.  My dad would always tell my siblings and me that actions speak louder than words. When my parents would to go movies my dad would have my mom pick the movie, he would watch chick flicks with her and never complained about them.  When I was little and I expressed an interest in being a doctor my dad would bring pamphlets home about the medical field and he would invite me to watch surgeries on TV with him.  One time I had to get surgery for my heart.  Because of the procedure I had to lay flat on my back for several hours.  My mom had the patience to feed her adult child lunch, after getting my gallbladder removed my mom sat by my bedside.  When I had my appendix removed my mom came to visit me in the hospital even though she just had a grandchild born who she needed to visit on the other side of town.  These are just a few examples of times my parents have turned towards me.  They saw a need for me and filled it, this helped to strengthen our relationship with one another.

Turning towards others does not require big actions or expensive gifts.  It really is the little things that tend to be the most meaningful in a relationship.  It shows that you’ve listened to another’s needs and desires.  It shows a level of caring that words sometimes cannot express.