Discovering the Dream

Since I’m not married (yet) I’ve decided to apply the principles I’m learning from Dr. John Gottman’s book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” to the other relationships in my life.  This week’s principle (#6) covered by Dr. Gottman, “Overcome Gridlock,” made me think of my mom and an old argument we keep having.

Whenever I’m at my mom’s house in her kitchen I get really frustrated.  She has too many dishes.  Right now it’s her and the two youngest, but soon it will be just her.  Yet she still has enough plates, bowls, cups, and silverware to feed all 10 of her kids, for a week a few days, without washing any dishes.  I may only be slightly exaggerating this, but not much.  Principle 6 in Gottman’s book really made me think of this argument. I start by telling her she has too many dishes and asking her why she needs so many.  She replies, “In case we want to have a nicer family dinner and use nicer dishes.”  My rebuttal?  “Nobody is going to want to wash all those dishes.”  Keep in mind, she has 10 kids, 7 of whom are married, all with children.  I’ve tried negotiating with her, I’ve tried telling her over and over she doesn’t need that many dishes, but we still end up in the same place, GRIDLOCKED.

After reading the 6th principle I started to think that I’d like to apply some of the techniques that Gottman teaches, with my mom.  Gottman says, “The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.”  So my plan is to sit my mom down and ask her what her “dream” is.  I want to take the opportunity to really listen to her and get her to really listen to me.  Does she really want to hold onto those dishes for a family dinner, or is there another underlying reason for holding on so tight.  I want to talk to my mom about what my dreams are, for her to have less stuff, thus lessening the clutter in her home and making it more manageable when she’s living alone.

Incidentally I keep having this same argument about her books.  But I’ll take it one step at a time and work on her dishes first.

Let It Go!

This week I read a talk by Elder Lynn G Robins and found it interesting that it was about anger, as I have been feeling anger most of last week and the beginning of this week.

As I read Elder Robins’ talk, “Agency and Anger” I thought to myself, “here’s your sign.”  I’ve been feeling angrier and angrier lately over the simplest things and at people who do not deserve it.  Elder Robins stated “The Lord expects us to make the choice not to become angry.”  I sometimes find it hard to believe that I have a choice in my emotions.  I feel what I feel and don’t have any control over it.  But the truth is, I can have control.  As I thought about Elder Robins’ talk after I read it, I came to the conclusion that I can continue to feel angry, which adds to my stress, or I can let my anger go and be happy.

I can especially find myself feeling angry with family.  Most of my siblings know how to push my buttons, and me theirs.  This is what Elder Robins described as “stirring the pot.”  He says Satan’s “strategy is to stir up anger between family members...The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.”

Elder Robins suggests that, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.  We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: ‘I will never become angry again.’ Ponder this resolution.”

I’m not saying that I’m going to immediately never feel anger again.  But I think with practice I can learn to quickly choose to let my anger go so that I, and those around me, can feel at peace.



via GIPHY

The Importance of Being Influenced

In his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman talks about husbands accepting their wives influence.  This brings to mind the saying, "behind every great man is a great woman." This may not necessarily apply to all men but for the men who this does apply to, they have accepted their wives influence. Gottman speaks of a colleague who said he makes the decisions in his family. He and his wife talk about an issue or matter then when they agree he makes the decision. I strongly believe that this is the best way for a marriage to work.  The husband understands that his wife's opinion matters a great deal and he shows her great respect in discussing the matter with her. The wife in turn shows respect to her husband by trusting in his decision.

Chapter 4 of H.W. Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” “Humility and Repentance”  can be tied into Dr. Gottman's teachings about accepting influence. When Brother Goddard describes Alma the Younger's story of conversion he points out, "He knew that his ONLY hope was outside himself." Here Goddard is referring to God's influence. Alma had to put aside his own pride and accept God's influence. So, just as God wants us to accept his influence, he also wants us to put our pride aside and accept our spouse's influence.

Actions Can Speak Louder Than Words

In Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman talks about partners turning toward one another, this is the third principle he teaches about.  

I really enjoyed what Gottman had to say about turning toward each other.  He gave quite a few examples that shows it’s the small gestures, the small moments that help to strengthen a relationship.  His description of turning toward one another as “a snowball rolling down a hill” seems pretty accurate to me.  I’ve seen this in my own relationships with my family.  The things Gottman teaches can be applied to all relationships in our lives, spouses, siblings, parents, friends, and co-workers.  The other night one of my nephews told me he’d had a rough day (he’s only 7), so I sat on the stairs with him and asked him about it.  I then showed him how to send me or his dad a text from an iPad while we are at work.  I told him if he’s having a rough day he can text someone.  I think knowing that he can contact me on his own helped him to feel a little happier before going to bed.  On the other hand, if I ask my nephew to play a game with me whenever I’m at his house he jumps at the chance, thus spending time me, making me feel loved by him, turning toward me.  

My parents, without knowing it, have set a good example of turning toward others.  My dad would always tell my siblings and me that actions speak louder than words. When my parents would to go movies my dad would have my mom pick the movie, he would watch chick flicks with her and never complained about them.  When I was little and I expressed an interest in being a doctor my dad would bring pamphlets home about the medical field and he would invite me to watch surgeries on TV with him.  One time I had to get surgery for my heart.  Because of the procedure I had to lay flat on my back for several hours.  My mom had the patience to feed her adult child lunch, after getting my gallbladder removed my mom sat by my bedside.  When I had my appendix removed my mom came to visit me in the hospital even though she just had a grandchild born who she needed to visit on the other side of town.  These are just a few examples of times my parents have turned towards me.  They saw a need for me and filled it, this helped to strengthen our relationship with one another.

Turning towards others does not require big actions or expensive gifts.  It really is the little things that tend to be the most meaningful in a relationship.  It shows that you’ve listened to another’s needs and desires.  It shows a level of caring that words sometimes cannot express.