Cutting the Apron Strings

I think my parents did a pretty good job with separating from their married children.  We are a tight knit family.  We grew up in the military so we spent a lot of time together.  With 10 kids running around, my parents could hardly wait to be alone again.  Unfortunately, my dad passed away before this could happen.  And yet, my mom still can't wait to be child free, to support and love us all from afar.

When my oldest sister got married we were worried about the holidays, but my sister and her husband came up with a compromise that has seemed to work out for all the married siblings later on.  My brother-in-law's family has Thanksgiving together every other year, so on the off years they came to our family.  My other older sister got married and her husband's family did the same thing and the off years happened to fall on the same years.  For Christmas they usually did all the family stuff with in-laws in the morning and my family would have a dinner and open gifts in the evening.  As our family has grown we've had to make adjustments and compromises.  We started doing a family Christmas party a few nights before Christmas so all the married siblings can spend time on Christmas with their own kids and spouses.  

Even though my family does spend a lot of time together I think those who are married have done a good job "leaving their mother and father."  In chapter 37 from "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families" the authors say, "Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present."  Even though my family does a lot together, including a monthly family dinner and a yearly campout.  Our mom also understands that we each have our own lives and may need to miss out on a family event.  She understands that we must each make our own decisions, and she is there to support us in our decisions.  I think with how close knit my siblings and I are, we have found a pretty good balance in spending time with the family we grew up with and the family each sibling has/is creating.

Overall, I think my parents did well following along with the things which Harper and Olsen-Frost taught, it's time to cut the apron strings and cleave unto your wife/husband.

Equality in Partnerships

Reflecting back on how my parents raised us I can certainly see their equal partnership, from making decisions to dividing the work around the house, to taking care of us kids.  My parents accepted the influence of one another and worked together to raise us kids.

In Dr. Richard B Miller's paper, "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," he talks a little about parents being united in their leadership and being equal partners in their marriage, these two go hand in hand.  I saw a lot of this with my parents growing up.  

Most of the time if you asked dad first he'd say, "what did your mom say?" And if you asked mom first she would see "What did your dad say?"  The would also direct us to ask the other parent if they did not want to give a clear answer.  They supported each other in a decision, so if we didn't like what one said and tried to ask the other they would support the original answer.  We did find a way around this some of the time though.  As we got older us kids discovered that dad was most likely to say yes, so we would ask him first.  That way when he asked what mom said and we told him we hadn't asked her yet he would either say yes or tell us to ask her.  When our parents would send us to ask the other it was more likely to be a yes as well.  Although us older kids learned to manipulate the situation I can never recall a time my parents went against each other in a decision.  If they did, they likely discussed it privately and came to a joint decision.  Their joint decision making was just one example of a partnership in marriage.

Dr. Miller quotes Dr. Ross Eshleman saying, "Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and

relationship satisfaction."    

My parents have been such a great example to me of what an eternal companionship should be like.  They loved each other and each of their children.  They had their ups and downs with each other and us kids, but in the end they still respected one another, made decisions together, and showed us kids how to be an equal partner with your spouse.

Teach Them to Wait

I'm sometimes astounded at the amount of couples who know next to nothing about having a sexual relationship with their spouse when they go into marriage.  As I've heard it put many times we are taught, "no, no, no" then suddenly it's "go, go, go."   Many are taught that sex is bad and wrong, and then are expected to engage in at once they are married.  In the talk, “They Twain Shall Be One:  Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage” by Brent Barlow (former professor of marriage, family and human development at Brigham Young University), he says, " Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy."

I was lucky enough to be taught by my parents, and siblings, that sex is a part of marriage.  My siblings and I were taught that a sexual relationship before marriage is wrong, but after marriage it is an important part of your relationship.  I was also lucky enough to have older siblings whom I have been able to learn from over the years.  I have learned that there are many important aspects of marriage that need to be nurtured.  Having your spouse as you friend and confidant, nurturing the trust between the two of you, having an emotional and physical relationship are all important in maintaining a strong marriage.

President Spencer W. Kimball (President of the LDS church in 1973 until his death in 1985) taught us that the physical attraction between husband and wife is for two reasons, "for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply"

I feel it is important that children are taught about sexual relationships properly.  To merely teach your children that it is bad is not enough.  Yes, they should be taught about chastity.  But when teaching your children this, make sure they understand when a sexual relationship is appropriate and why. Instead of teaching them "no, no, no" and "go, go, go," teach them "wait, wait, wait."

Discovering the Dream

Since I’m not married (yet) I’ve decided to apply the principles I’m learning from Dr. John Gottman’s book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” to the other relationships in my life.  This week’s principle (#6) covered by Dr. Gottman, “Overcome Gridlock,” made me think of my mom and an old argument we keep having.

Whenever I’m at my mom’s house in her kitchen I get really frustrated.  She has too many dishes.  Right now it’s her and the two youngest, but soon it will be just her.  Yet she still has enough plates, bowls, cups, and silverware to feed all 10 of her kids, for a week a few days, without washing any dishes.  I may only be slightly exaggerating this, but not much.  Principle 6 in Gottman’s book really made me think of this argument. I start by telling her she has too many dishes and asking her why she needs so many.  She replies, “In case we want to have a nicer family dinner and use nicer dishes.”  My rebuttal?  “Nobody is going to want to wash all those dishes.”  Keep in mind, she has 10 kids, 7 of whom are married, all with children.  I’ve tried negotiating with her, I’ve tried telling her over and over she doesn’t need that many dishes, but we still end up in the same place, GRIDLOCKED.

After reading the 6th principle I started to think that I’d like to apply some of the techniques that Gottman teaches, with my mom.  Gottman says, “The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.”  So my plan is to sit my mom down and ask her what her “dream” is.  I want to take the opportunity to really listen to her and get her to really listen to me.  Does she really want to hold onto those dishes for a family dinner, or is there another underlying reason for holding on so tight.  I want to talk to my mom about what my dreams are, for her to have less stuff, thus lessening the clutter in her home and making it more manageable when she’s living alone.

Incidentally I keep having this same argument about her books.  But I’ll take it one step at a time and work on her dishes first.

Let It Go!

This week I read a talk by Elder Lynn G Robins and found it interesting that it was about anger, as I have been feeling anger most of last week and the beginning of this week.

As I read Elder Robins’ talk, “Agency and Anger” I thought to myself, “here’s your sign.”  I’ve been feeling angrier and angrier lately over the simplest things and at people who do not deserve it.  Elder Robins stated “The Lord expects us to make the choice not to become angry.”  I sometimes find it hard to believe that I have a choice in my emotions.  I feel what I feel and don’t have any control over it.  But the truth is, I can have control.  As I thought about Elder Robins’ talk after I read it, I came to the conclusion that I can continue to feel angry, which adds to my stress, or I can let my anger go and be happy.

I can especially find myself feeling angry with family.  Most of my siblings know how to push my buttons, and me theirs.  This is what Elder Robins described as “stirring the pot.”  He says Satan’s “strategy is to stir up anger between family members...The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.”

Elder Robins suggests that, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.  We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: ‘I will never become angry again.’ Ponder this resolution.”

I’m not saying that I’m going to immediately never feel anger again.  But I think with practice I can learn to quickly choose to let my anger go so that I, and those around me, can feel at peace.



via GIPHY

The Importance of Being Influenced

In his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman talks about husbands accepting their wives influence.  This brings to mind the saying, "behind every great man is a great woman." This may not necessarily apply to all men but for the men who this does apply to, they have accepted their wives influence. Gottman speaks of a colleague who said he makes the decisions in his family. He and his wife talk about an issue or matter then when they agree he makes the decision. I strongly believe that this is the best way for a marriage to work.  The husband understands that his wife's opinion matters a great deal and he shows her great respect in discussing the matter with her. The wife in turn shows respect to her husband by trusting in his decision.

Chapter 4 of H.W. Goddard’s book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” “Humility and Repentance”  can be tied into Dr. Gottman's teachings about accepting influence. When Brother Goddard describes Alma the Younger's story of conversion he points out, "He knew that his ONLY hope was outside himself." Here Goddard is referring to God's influence. Alma had to put aside his own pride and accept God's influence. So, just as God wants us to accept his influence, he also wants us to put our pride aside and accept our spouse's influence.

Actions Can Speak Louder Than Words

In Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman talks about partners turning toward one another, this is the third principle he teaches about.  

I really enjoyed what Gottman had to say about turning toward each other.  He gave quite a few examples that shows it’s the small gestures, the small moments that help to strengthen a relationship.  His description of turning toward one another as “a snowball rolling down a hill” seems pretty accurate to me.  I’ve seen this in my own relationships with my family.  The things Gottman teaches can be applied to all relationships in our lives, spouses, siblings, parents, friends, and co-workers.  The other night one of my nephews told me he’d had a rough day (he’s only 7), so I sat on the stairs with him and asked him about it.  I then showed him how to send me or his dad a text from an iPad while we are at work.  I told him if he’s having a rough day he can text someone.  I think knowing that he can contact me on his own helped him to feel a little happier before going to bed.  On the other hand, if I ask my nephew to play a game with me whenever I’m at his house he jumps at the chance, thus spending time me, making me feel loved by him, turning toward me.  

My parents, without knowing it, have set a good example of turning toward others.  My dad would always tell my siblings and me that actions speak louder than words. When my parents would to go movies my dad would have my mom pick the movie, he would watch chick flicks with her and never complained about them.  When I was little and I expressed an interest in being a doctor my dad would bring pamphlets home about the medical field and he would invite me to watch surgeries on TV with him.  One time I had to get surgery for my heart.  Because of the procedure I had to lay flat on my back for several hours.  My mom had the patience to feed her adult child lunch, after getting my gallbladder removed my mom sat by my bedside.  When I had my appendix removed my mom came to visit me in the hospital even though she just had a grandchild born who she needed to visit on the other side of town.  These are just a few examples of times my parents have turned towards me.  They saw a need for me and filled it, this helped to strengthen our relationship with one another.

Turning towards others does not require big actions or expensive gifts.  It really is the little things that tend to be the most meaningful in a relationship.  It shows that you’ve listened to another’s needs and desires.  It shows a level of caring that words sometimes cannot express.

Being Friends

Dr. John Gottman is a research scientist on marriage and family, he is also the author of the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

There were a few things I found very interesting about Dr. Gottman’s book.  I’ve heard him speak and read some of his work before in some of my communications classes.  But I’ve never heard that communication, or conflict resolution, is not necessarily the key to a successful marriage.  In fact, he says that most conflicts will not get resolved.  

In conflict there are the what is called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  These include 1.) Criticism, 2.) Contempt, 3.) Defensiveness, and 4.) Stonewalling.  These can be one aspect of predicting divorce, but Dr. Gottman also said that Four Horsemen do not have to end a marriage.  If a couple are able to accomplish what he calls a repair attempt.  This is something a couple will do to alleviate the tension when in an argument or heated discussion.  It can include making a silly face or repeat an inside joke, something that will make the couple laugh or smile.  It makes sense that if a couple can have a successful repair attempt they can recover from the damages done by one or all of the horsemen.  

Dr. Gottman indicates that a big part of a successful marriage is your friendship with one another and whether you have a negative or positive view on your relationship (past and present).  I talked to my mom about her relationship with my dad and what made their relationship successful.  She said they talked about things, they had a good relationship and friendship.  She also realized that when my dad was upset she would be calm and when she was upset he would be the calm one.  What stands out here is that they had a good relationship and friendship with one another.

I’ve really come to enjoy Dr. Gottman’s research and findings, and I’m really looking forward to reading more about his work.

Belonging

In a talk called Covenant Marriage, by Elder Bruce C. Hafen, he speaks of marriage being tested by three “wolves.”  These three wolves are natural adversity, the wolf of your own imperfections, and excessive individualism.  I’m going to focus on the third wolf, excessive individualism.

Excessive individualism seems to be the most detrimental to our society.  When people become too focused on themselves and trying to be separate from their spouse it can cause issues in the family unit.  I once had a friend who had gotten divorced and when I asked him why, he said he and his wife decided they didn’t want to belong to each other.  The way he worded it made “belonging” sound like ownership rather than belonging in the sense of a family.  People are afraid of the idea that they belong to someone, but when viewed in the right light, this can actually be a good thing.  For instance, we each belong to a family.  This means we belong to our parents and they belong to us, we belong to our siblings and they belong to us.  If you are married, then you and your spouse belong to one another.  We say things like, “my mom,” “my dad,” “my brother,” “my sister.”  If we don’t belong to one another why would we use the possessive term “my?”

This does not mean you own your family members or they own you in the sense that you own a car. On the web site Psychology Today there is an article called “Why We All Need to Belong to Someone.”  The article starts out with two different definitions of belonging.  First, is belonging in a possessive sense, ownership.  The second, “acceptance as a natural part” is more fitting in the sense of family belonging.  In a family you are accepted as part of the family, when you and your spouse belong to one another you are accepting each other as a natural part of your partnership.  We must also keep in mind that just because we “belong” does not mean that you are not an individual, that you are not your own person.  It is important to find that balance of belonging to someone and being you.  By maintaining your own hobbies and interests while still engaging in activities with your family or spouse you can continue to belong to your family and still be an individual.

Marriage and Law

In June 2015 The Supreme Court ruled to legalize same sex marriage.  Have you ever had to read court ruling document?  It’s not easy at all, however, it was interesting.  The document contained not only the ruling, and the reasoning behind the ruling, but also statements from the Justices who dissented as well. 

Both the ruling and Justice Roberts’ dissent provide their own view of what marriage is meant for.  In the ruling document they state that the Supreme judicial court of Massachusetts explained, that marriage “fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.”

In opposition of that Justice Roberts argues that marriage “arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditioned of a lifelong relationship.” 

In a speech given by Elder Russell M Nelson says, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.”

If you compare how the court ruling and Justice Roberts both define what marriage for to what Elder Nelson says you can see that Justice Roberts is more in line with what we are taught in the gospel.

That being said, I believe Justice Roberts may not have necessarily disagreed with the ruling because he is opposed to same sex marriage.  I believe he disagreed with it because the court was making a law instead of upholding the law.  At beginning of Justice Roberts dissent he states, “judges have power to say what the law is, not what it should be.  The people who ratified the Constitution authorized courts to exercise ‘neither force nor will but merely judgment.’” 

However, with their court ruling they are overriding the existing law and saying that the law is different from what the people voted for.  Therefore, the judges are saying what the law should be.

You can read more about the ruling here, http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf.

Breaking the Cycle

I recently read a talk by Carlfred Broderick, professor of sociology, University of Southern California, called Questions and Answers.  In 1987 Brother Broderick talked about children breaking the chain of abuse they endured at their parents’ hands.  I’ve read many articles about criminals who were abused by their parents, who then turned around and passed that abuse on to their children.  I always wondered how this cycle stopped.  What made one child turn into an abuser like their parents, but another child ended up opposite that? 

I think there are two things that come into play with this.  First is the gift of choice.  We all have the opportunity to make our own choices.  You can choose to be like your parents or choose not to be like your parents.  If you come from an alcoholic family, you can choose if you want to risk being an alcoholic as well.  The second thing that comes into play is God.  As Brother Broderick puts it, “through the grace of God some find the strength to ‘purge’ the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations.”  Brother Broderick also talks about how God puts people in our lives to help us overcome the things of our past. 

I really liked how he says of those who do break the cycle.  “In suffering innocently that others might not suffer, such persons, in some degree, become as ‘saviors on Mount Zion’ by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.”

I have friends close to me who have suffered from abuse, not just by parents, but by others in their lives as well.  Instead of turning around and placing that same abuse on their own children, they stopped the cycle.  They try their hardest to provide a loving, safe home for their own children.  They are “saviors on Mount Zion.”

Why blog?

I know what you're thinking. Why is someone who has never been married writing about marriage? What could this person possibly know about something they've never experienced? While I will admit there are some things that can only be learned through experience, I strongly believe one does not need to experience everything in order to become knowledgeable in the subject. Although I would like to be writing from personal experience, I don't have that luxury just yet so you get to hear from a single woman. You get to hear my perspective, my opinion, and my insights on the topic of Marriage.