Cutting the Apron Strings

I think my parents did a pretty good job with separating from their married children.  We are a tight knit family.  We grew up in the military so we spent a lot of time together.  With 10 kids running around, my parents could hardly wait to be alone again.  Unfortunately, my dad passed away before this could happen.  And yet, my mom still can't wait to be child free, to support and love us all from afar.

When my oldest sister got married we were worried about the holidays, but my sister and her husband came up with a compromise that has seemed to work out for all the married siblings later on.  My brother-in-law's family has Thanksgiving together every other year, so on the off years they came to our family.  My other older sister got married and her husband's family did the same thing and the off years happened to fall on the same years.  For Christmas they usually did all the family stuff with in-laws in the morning and my family would have a dinner and open gifts in the evening.  As our family has grown we've had to make adjustments and compromises.  We started doing a family Christmas party a few nights before Christmas so all the married siblings can spend time on Christmas with their own kids and spouses.  

Even though my family does spend a lot of time together I think those who are married have done a good job "leaving their mother and father."  In chapter 37 from "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families" the authors say, "Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present."  Even though my family does a lot together, including a monthly family dinner and a yearly campout.  Our mom also understands that we each have our own lives and may need to miss out on a family event.  She understands that we must each make our own decisions, and she is there to support us in our decisions.  I think with how close knit my siblings and I are, we have found a pretty good balance in spending time with the family we grew up with and the family each sibling has/is creating.

Overall, I think my parents did well following along with the things which Harper and Olsen-Frost taught, it's time to cut the apron strings and cleave unto your wife/husband.

Equality in Partnerships

Reflecting back on how my parents raised us I can certainly see their equal partnership, from making decisions to dividing the work around the house, to taking care of us kids.  My parents accepted the influence of one another and worked together to raise us kids.

In Dr. Richard B Miller's paper, "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," he talks a little about parents being united in their leadership and being equal partners in their marriage, these two go hand in hand.  I saw a lot of this with my parents growing up.  

Most of the time if you asked dad first he'd say, "what did your mom say?" And if you asked mom first she would see "What did your dad say?"  The would also direct us to ask the other parent if they did not want to give a clear answer.  They supported each other in a decision, so if we didn't like what one said and tried to ask the other they would support the original answer.  We did find a way around this some of the time though.  As we got older us kids discovered that dad was most likely to say yes, so we would ask him first.  That way when he asked what mom said and we told him we hadn't asked her yet he would either say yes or tell us to ask her.  When our parents would send us to ask the other it was more likely to be a yes as well.  Although us older kids learned to manipulate the situation I can never recall a time my parents went against each other in a decision.  If they did, they likely discussed it privately and came to a joint decision.  Their joint decision making was just one example of a partnership in marriage.

Dr. Miller quotes Dr. Ross Eshleman saying, "Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and

relationship satisfaction."    

My parents have been such a great example to me of what an eternal companionship should be like.  They loved each other and each of their children.  They had their ups and downs with each other and us kids, but in the end they still respected one another, made decisions together, and showed us kids how to be an equal partner with your spouse.

Teach Them to Wait

I'm sometimes astounded at the amount of couples who know next to nothing about having a sexual relationship with their spouse when they go into marriage.  As I've heard it put many times we are taught, "no, no, no" then suddenly it's "go, go, go."   Many are taught that sex is bad and wrong, and then are expected to engage in at once they are married.  In the talk, “They Twain Shall Be One:  Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage” by Brent Barlow (former professor of marriage, family and human development at Brigham Young University), he says, " Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy."

I was lucky enough to be taught by my parents, and siblings, that sex is a part of marriage.  My siblings and I were taught that a sexual relationship before marriage is wrong, but after marriage it is an important part of your relationship.  I was also lucky enough to have older siblings whom I have been able to learn from over the years.  I have learned that there are many important aspects of marriage that need to be nurtured.  Having your spouse as you friend and confidant, nurturing the trust between the two of you, having an emotional and physical relationship are all important in maintaining a strong marriage.

President Spencer W. Kimball (President of the LDS church in 1973 until his death in 1985) taught us that the physical attraction between husband and wife is for two reasons, "for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply"

I feel it is important that children are taught about sexual relationships properly.  To merely teach your children that it is bad is not enough.  Yes, they should be taught about chastity.  But when teaching your children this, make sure they understand when a sexual relationship is appropriate and why. Instead of teaching them "no, no, no" and "go, go, go," teach them "wait, wait, wait."